"FWAAAAAHAHAHA!!!" was the first thing I heard from him in hours, his laughter reaching me through the intercom into my room at about 4:30. Recently, I've been trying to avoid him, trying to live the good life while staying out of his way- of course, he uses me for the companionship every so often. Oh well. That is my curse. Death goes on.

"Hey, Billy. Check. This.", he shouted, still laughing his ass off. I came down next to him for what was probably the thousandth time, taking my requisite spot at his right side, Paul sitting on the far right end of the couch and Sarah to his left, and looked at the screen. A news reporter - not Illuminated - was attempting to scream at the public while not screaming at them. From what I could understand, two high schoolers had walked into their school with black trenchcoats and heavy weapons, blasting away an undisclosed number of people and then themselves.

"What the fuck?", I blurted out. Howard laughed even louder. Paul was just staring at the screen, somewhat confused as to what and why. The news reporter continued droning on about the families and the victims, blah blah blah, and then got into specifics. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold also had a number of unexploded bombs inside.

As soon as she heard that, Sarah laughed her ass off. Hard. I've seen her laugh like that before, but it's always a surprise. Her voice changed in pitch rapidly, and she sounded giddy as hell. "Unexploded.. unexploded.. all that trouble and they can't even make bombs that- hehehehahahaha!!"

"Duuuummmmmmb fuckers!", Howard said in his judgmental voice. "Up, UP, to 25 people! 25 people, all that weaponry. And the 1999 Darwin Award jointly goes to Eric and Dylan for their spectacular display of ultimate stupidity. Nice try, though." After a few minutes, the bitch got repetitive, so Howard turned off the screen. We got most of the details, which was enough- he wouldn't have any trouble finding anything more on this one.

"Okay, I'm confused.", he said, ceasing his laughter. "Why did they do it?"

"Revenge?", Paul suggested.

"Yeah, that's some revenge. I guess with normals, everything's weaker, even the body count.", he replied. Paul acknowledged that.

"Mental illness and revenge. Also probably family history, and just bad luck. Someone's gotta do it.", Sarah suggested evenly. "Can't think why they made bombs that don't even fucking explode.", she continued, laughing again.

"I have no fucking idea. Probably lots of hate and not enough patience or knowledge. They killed themselves, they probably meant to do it like that in the first place.", I said. Some things just don't make sense. If you want revenge, fuckers, attack the government, not your teachers and definitely not your peers. Oh well. They, after all, are only human normals, and they are expected and allowed to make huge mistakes.

"All right, I hate asking for this stuff, but.. what is a good way to put some spin on this? I know there's going to be 'public outcry' no matter what we do. But I think the Illuminati can use this."

"They automatically will.", Sarah said immediately.

"Yeah, but that's just the ordinary stuff. I mean something more.. cohesive. Something to further our plans a little more than usual."

"You mean like gun control.", she said.

"Yeah!", he said, grinning his usual evil, friendly grin. "But we can do more than that. What would people like to believe caused this violence, other than just the guns?"

"Heavy metal. That's probably what they listened to.", suggested Paul.

"They were Hitler freaks, right? Associate them with the far right, if you can do it.", Sarah said after a moment's thought. Then I had an idea.

"Hold up. Did they play any violent video games?", I suggested.

"Violent.. strange as that is, that might be a good one, Billy, I think you're on to something.", he said, grinning wider. "More censorship. So easy to do after something like this. Make more control wanted and needed, not just video games, but everything. Music, television, all that, and not just the usual stereotyped 'evil' stuff either. I'm going to do something more. I'm going to make people everywhere paranoid about what the big and horrible media is doing to their children, and I'm going to do it in a way that will benefit the Illuminati." Of course, the media had already targeted video games, along with everything else, that's normal procedure. It's just what they eventually shut up about that's important.

"Yeah, but you don't want to put them out of business do you?", Paul said.

"Oh, don't worry about that. They'll stay in business with the fake rebellious crowd and everyone who likes home violence, I'm not going to legalize a thing. It's just that I don't want a complete lack of societal, tacit, unenforced- but important nonetheless- controls. And you know why."

"Lead down the road to anarchy, wouldn't it?"

"Close enough. Remember, it's not the stuff itself that's important- games, guns, television- but the underused minds of the sheeple consuming it." Howard then proceeded to gleefully call upon various members of the Illuminati to make his dream a reality, stating the primary goal of publicly approved censorship and the secondary goals of fear, stigmatization of sub-cultures, and even more dependence on government (all around the world, too- amazing what global media can do for local things), using the threat of another school shooting to prod the masses into easy compliance, using the multi-cyclical method he's told me about. Some of the people on the other end raised some eyebrows, some grinned, none dared to question him, as he copied his message and distributed it to every person he felt appropriate, watching their reactions with his steady gaze, making things easier on every Illuminatus by creating a foundation for further control. Which is what he does- let them do the specifics, but added generalities can be a huge boon. It's obviously worked so far..

"Ahhh... all right. That was easy enough. Let's go rock some normal Team Fortress server." And so we did, cracking Trenchcoat Mafia jokes and semi-inadvertently spreading them all over the Internet. Let's rename it to Carbine High School! Maybe these two should have picked up some tips from Keanu Reeves, eh? I guess the phrase "one shot, one kill" didn't go over too well with them. Trenchcoats: $200. Guns: $2000. Ammo: $100. Pipe bombs: $70. The look on your classmates' faces as you blow them away: Priceless. There are some things in life you can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Mealtime came a few hours later, and this time Paul actually helped himself to a lot of food, not discouraged by being around engineereds who eat three times as much as he does. Mmm, veal, yams, down the throat- a good meal is the third most pleasurable thing for me, following a good kill, which follows a good fuck.

The screen buzzed, Howard answered it, and a fourth-level wearing an MTV hat (I wouldn't begin to ask why..) appeared on it.

"Master Howard! I was wondering if you could spare a few minutes."

"Just start talking."

"Howard, your plan, something about it just doesn't make sense." Which never seems to stop them from working.

"Hold up. Who the hell told you I had a plan?"

"Get off it, there's no other way it could have happened. I watch the news too."

"It's that obvious already?"

"Yes it is. You got every major news channel, Howard. I can't find anything else anywhere. But.. what do you plan to gain with this?"

"What do you mean, what do I plan to gain?!", Howard said, snickering a bit. "Isn't it bone-crunchingly obvious?"

"But.. Howard, you know what happens when you prod a subculture like this! This is self-defeating!"

"Not the way I'm doing it. You see, that isn't my whole plan. The media are going to circle around it, sometimes vilifying some parts of it and holding harmless others, and I'm going to keep bouncing this back and forth between subcultures, video games, and guns, and generally make the sheeple dislike all three. It's like taking care of a garden, you have to spread everything equally. And since there isn't anyone outside us with lots of clout that likes all three, any opposition will just be swept into the same whirlpool. And then when I'm all done, I'm going to have you guys say it was never any of their faults, when everyone already has it firmly into their brains that they're to blame."

"Oh... geez, is that the "multi-cyclical method" I was hearing about?" He nodded. "Sorry.. Howard.. I didn't mean.."

"Relax. I didn't make it complicated, I just told everyone basically what to do. They make it complicated with extra details, like it should be, when they start cooperating and seeming to compete at the same time, and sometimes they add their own goals to the mix. No normal would waste that much time trying to figure it out. I just let the bureaucracy work for me. So you saw the complicated part. You're not supposed to know as much as I do, remember?"

"I.. I understand, Howard. Thank you." He turned the screen off and I started pondering everything that was said. Where do we want you to go today? Really simple when you think about it. One guy arguing one side of an issue can be convincing. A few guys arguing 'all' the sides of an issue, all controlled by the same organization, is all-encompassing. We either control you more this way, or we control you more that way, now which is it?

"All that crap over a max of 25 kills...", muttered Sarah. "Damn, I don't get how anyone can see this as important. Sheeple will be sheeple, I guess.", she said, shaking her head gently and sighing a bit. That's my question.

"To the public, it's just a number.", I reminded her. "To them, the important thing is that people died. One death is a tragedy and a million deaths really is just a statistic. Their oh-so-precious babies got slaughtered like pigs and now they want to 'do something' about it. And of course they appeal to Big Brother, and Big Brother gives them exactly what they want." Which is more control, all around. The 'different' kids will get even more pressure, to prevent any of them from actually being opposition in the future. The gun industry will suffer. And everywhere- even places far from where it happened- there will be finger pointing and blame all around, with everyone appealing to their Master, the government, for help- all because a couple of lunatics decided to do a crappy job of exterminating their school. The fact that this entire system of manipulation works is no longer a surprise to me. The fact that it works based on principles, based on proven facts about humanity, and can be refined into a science when it needs to be, is no longer a surprise to me. The fact that no one on the business end of it knows what's going on is no longer a surprise to me. The fact that it works so well.. is no longer a surprise to me either. Shit.. I should have been wearing one of those trenchcoats, teach these assholes what killing's all about...

He checked it out the next day and we found out that only thirteen people got put to the axe.