Every day, in the time before I become fully conscious, I realistically worry about being woken up by some command. 'Billy, put on your black clothing, take this gun, and get in the plane. Some joker betrayed me- we have people to kill.', he'd say. The commands are annoying (the people-killing not even being an issue), but it's the idea of being forced to get up early that bugs me. Of course, for Howard to command me up early, he'd also have to get up himself, so I'd at least have the mild satisfaction of his shared annoyance.

He's never actually had to do that before, though. I woke up, put on the black suit (no pretending, not today), and noticed his door was open- he's gone somewhere. I looked down and noticed the empty couch and big screen. Howard wasn't there, so, why not? I turned on the big screen and started playing some old single player games. Ninjas. I'm in the mood for ninjas.

About fifteen minutes into it, the resident ninja showed up. "Do you like his spot?", Sarah asked from behind me. I've gotten used to her natural sneaking. "I suppose you wouldn't like me to tell you that it suits you?"

"That helps a whole fucking lot, Sarah.", I said sarcastically.

"This situation is broken, someone call tech support.", she said. She realized I didn't fully understand, so she flipped over the couch to sit next to me, and continued. "They taught me a special definition of 'situation' in training. A situation is an environment, like, say, a map in Quake. The situation is everything in your environment that can affect you or the mission. A broken situation is one so disfavorable that you can't accomplish the mission, like if the exit to the map was closed off by a solid wall. Unlike most situations, this one can't be fixed by any power of ours."

"By Howard?"

"Technically yes, but realistically no. This isn't just about freedom." I didn't look in her direction- I was paying close attention to my 8-bit ninja who resides in deathtrap land- but she could tell I wondered what she meant. "This is about balance. And possibly even necessity. This is about life."

"You're talking in platitudes that mean everything to you but jack all to me." The problem with what she was saying was that there were so many ways to interpret it that it was meaningless. "You are the absolute last person I'd expect to get metaphysical on me."

"Humans do this, don't they? Even engineereds. Maybe it's my training that has me trying to make situational sense out of the whole world. And that's what this means, Billy. Not the Bavarian headquarters, not Northberg- this island is the capital of the world. Now, if you'd like to come with me, I'm going to go spy on your twin master."

"Why spy on him?", I asked, saving state and closing the emulator.

"For my own amusement. No sense in changing clothes, I know where he is, he's not going to see us at all. This way." She led me on a roundabout route around the house, through a part of the forest and a little bit into the grassy area where those peasants used to farm. Howard was there, sitting next to Paul, and Sarah and I simply walked up to about ten feet behind him.

"Don't you get it?", Howard said. "You guys are the only people I can talk to who I can trust. They want to stab me in the back, Paul!" And we don't? "I can't talk to them without watching every single word to see if I'm giving something away!" And you can't talk to us without watching every single word to make sure it didn't form a sentence that will get you instantly killed! "And talking to Enforcers.. well, it's kind of like having a friendly conversation with a brick wall."

"I've done that.", said Paul.

"Having a friendly-", Paul started, as Howard said, "What- had a friendly conversation with a brick wall?" Paul started nodding.

"Brick walls are great, actually.", Howard said educationally. "They're good listeners, they don't get excited, and they never talk back or argue. They also don't devote their lives to pissing you off."

"Oh, I get it, so you implant people to do that for you."

"Paul- believe me here. I do not need any more people to piss me off unless it's necessary. Especially you three. I get enough shit as it is." Howard's blunt honesty moved through the conversation like a hammer through water.

"Join the fucking club.", Paul muttered with some anger.

"I'm already in the fucking club, remember?"

"Yeah, the Shitluminati." Howard laughed heartily, and I heard Paul's tone change from jovial to deadly almost instantly. He wasn't trying to sound evil, I could tell- he really did have as much anger and hatred as it sounded like. "But Howard, you still have your freedom. Feel lucky. This is the ultimate shit. Living hell, an eternity of pain, oh, that's worse in the agony department. But if I wanted to wish the most brutal and torturous fate on my worst enemy that I could fucking ever think of, this would be it. Not ending up with someone like Damien, either. With you." I'm sorry, Paul- most of the time I understand you. I've seen the videos, and I'm sure Howard hasn't rescinded his no-delusion command. What the fuck?

"Paul, I don't torture you, I don't kick you around, you have things to play with and food to eat, the only orders I give are the ones that directly benefit me- so why?"

I really should have known the answer to that. "Because it means that we can't hate you.", he said, pointing his shaking forefinger at Howard. "Or at least we have more trouble with it. But you can, Howard. You can." He, indeed, can. "At any time, without any fucking warning at all, you could do to us worse than what you did to those peasants Billy was telling me about. And there's nothin' any of us can do to stop it." This is a rarity- Howard didn't know how to reply. Paul was right. Killing normals, oh well. Killing bad Illuminati, sayonara, good riddance to bad rubbish. Killing Howard, although I would not hesitate, would feel like murder. I decided to let him know I was here and started breathing a bit harder.

Howard spun half-around to look at us. "How much did you two hear?", he shouted.

"Umm...", Sarah started.

"From 'don't you get it' to 'do to stop it'.", I said.

"Yeah.", Sarah said, nodding. She wasn't sure why I gave us away. It seemed like the correct thing to do.

"Fuck. Do both of you agree with what he said?"

"Pretty much.", Sarah said, nodding, as I said "Yeah."

"Then this is going to add some more complications... going to have to have a hundred percent protection all the time from every servant, no matter who it is." Shouldn't you be doing that anyway? "Why didn't you say something about this before?"

"You never asked.", Sarah and I replied simultaneously and immediately. I didn't stop to smile about that.

I was pissed and I let him have it. "What the hell were you thinking, anyway? That you could just implant everyone, and sooner or later they'd start to like it? Howard, the people you said were best to implant, the smart people that didn't always do what they were told, the ones that you said would get used to it- they won't completely. Ever. The only people you don't have to worry about killing you after some miscommand are the ones you said weren't worth it at first- the stupid people."

"Dammit.", Howard muttered. "Do all of you still want to kill me.. even after the tests?"

"Uh huh.", I said, nodding. Welcome to reality, enjoy your stay.. while you're still here. "Oh, yeah.", said Sarah.

"I .. I dunno.", said Paul, to my surprise. "Howard- it's really not your fault, is it?" Not his fault?! Like hell!

"He's the one who's going to implant everyone, if you remember, Paul!", I shouted at him.

"Yeah, but weren't you like.. taught to be like this?", Paul asked Howard. That's silly.

"Paul, I do everything that I do because I want to do it, not because of what I was taught, or beliefs, or anything like that. The same should be true of any other Illuminatus." At least Howard's intellectually honest; he would never consider blaming anyone else for what he does. "So why do you two want to kill me?" You seriously don't know, Howard? You know, or can know in moments, practically anything else.

"General principle.", I said, as Sarah said, "Because I fucking hate all of you." That's a surprise. Even after everything she said earlier, this is about hatred? But it makes sense. It's about balance, necessity, and life, isn't it? This is imbalanced, unnecessary (and being able to disobey Howard may one day be necessary indeed), and servants no longer own their lives. So she hates him, and everyone who put the structure in place for him to do what he's doing to her.

"Billy, what's general principle?"

"Everything that needs to be done, that should be done, that common sense dictates must be done, but no one really knows why." Cognito ergo sum. Me domino ergo finitus. It's that simple.

"Yes, and we have a word for it here too- bullshit." He fundamentally doesn't understand. He wouldn't, would he? "Sarah, you've worked for us for years. You want to kill every Illuminatus there is?"

"Not just you, but all of your puppets, every one of your willing servants (though I'll save them for last), your scientists, and I also want to blow up your governments, your science facilities, your operations, when I'm done nothing will be left except a shattered husk. Only a few words, Howard. Only a couple of words and you and this whole fucking business will be nothing more than a stain on Earth's carpet." This isn't idle talk. With adequate preparation, there's no doubt that Sarah, like some lone hero in a game, has a good chance of actually doing it against insane odds. "I used to think that only a few more kills, only a few more moves, only a few more operations and I'd be out of this, I'd be one of you, I'd be up in the highest levels. And then, of course, they offered to make me a first level Illuminatus. Well, here I am, with my life forfeit and my cunt waiting. Sometimes I try not to think about it, try to pretend I'm something that I'm not just to keep from losing it completely and ending up a mindless servant slut. But I'm a killing machine, Howard. I was made for it. And if you want your life to last longer, you better watch just who I'm killing." And she was right. And this didn't have to happen. Paul started clapping, and so did Howard, as if Sarah had just finished a one-girl show. But that's what it was, wasn't it? A show of anger. I clapped too, with a smirk. But I know what exactly she means. There is no overstating this- this is the world we're talking about. The whole planet, the whole situation. Eternal suffering, eternal servitude. All for someone who I really don't want to blame because he's my fucking identical twin. I was enraged, at myself as well. I would do this? Would the advantage be worth this insanity? What kind of benefit would this be to me, other than a sick one?

"Encore! Encore!" shouted Paul.

"Hey- can you repeat that?", Howard asked with a grin. Of course it's a joke to him.

"Not perfectly.", she said, scowling. She gets the joke, too. I get it, I just don't want it.

"Is there anything else any of you wanna say to me about this?", Howard asked.

"Yes. I hope you get implanted and given to someone five times worse than the whole Gladstone family. I don't care what happens to me anymore.", I said, pissed off. Howard can do anything, and here we are in this. This is the existence of the best of the best in human engineering? This whole species is a farce. Time for God to hit the reset button. Let's restart the universe, maybe change a couple of starting values, and try again.

"That wouldn't be too bad, actually. He'd be dead in the first five minutes. You forgot how stupid they were. But that's not happening. I'm too damn paranoid, especially now."

"Oh, no fucking surprise. Could that have something to do with the fact that we're all out to get you?", I replied instantly. Paul started giggling.

"Billy, have you ever considered Illuminating yourself and seeing things from another point of view, like mine? Do you think this is easy? Why the fuck do you think I have servants, anyway?", he replied.

Let's take them one by one. "Yes, and I've determined that it's better to have a risk of death than be effectively already dead, no, I don't think it's all that easy, and because you're the ultimate spoiled rich brat. Any more questions, Howard?", I replied, angry.

"Nope.", he replied, almost casually. I hadn't really aggravated him with my answers- he was expecting them- but I honestly didn't want to upset him, and not just because of what he can do to me. Kill him, yes, because it was crucially necessary, but not upset him. Let his days on earth be happy, joyful, and few.

"Howard.. in another universe, it could all be different.", I said, regretful and still angry. I was instantly able to visualize four others that would be preferable to this- in three of them, implants weren't invented, and in the fourth, they sure as hell weren't used on me.

"In another universe, it could always be different. But, if I do terminally slip up, just remember- what happens when I die?" The answer he was leading me to was right, but it changed nothing.

"We move to a new level of Hell."

"You are still alive, Billy, and I am certain you care about yourself. And you've been here long enough to know what they'll do to you if I bite it. And if you really do consider yourself dead, how would you like to spend your afterlife?" I was not compelled to answer him, because I didn't have any idea. I didn't think about the future, I just wanted. Wanted to be free of this. Wanted to have my own life, my own goals, my own power. No matter how many times I fight for my life here, it doesn't matter because it's really not my life. Even if Howard gave me a list of several hundred Illuminati, said 'Exterminate them, use their resources for your new power base, and let's actually start to govern this world.'- a task he could plausibly command and I would enjoy doing, make no mistake- it wouldn't be my actions. I have no choice. The reason Howard's asking me is because he wants to, and he does what he wants.

"Howard, you're a manipulative bastard.", Sarah said. Yes, and the sky's blue and the sun's yellow.

"Hello! Job description!", Paul shouted at her.

"Howard.. I'm not sure what to believe or plan for or even if I should waste my mind thinking about it, because this all doesn't matter because you never make mistakes like that.", I said.

"And you'll miss me if something bad does happen, won't you?"

"Yeah.. I guess I will. Especially if some crazy luck does happen and I live another thousand years. There will probably be more people living that long then.. but I'll always be the oldest, always watching, always wondering what the hell would have happened had the coin flipped the other way."

"In that situation, the coin flipping the other way? You would have made some foolish mistake and died at the hands of your own servant." For what wasn't exactly the first time, I visualized myself as Howard, with his incredible control. That would suck, wouldn't it?

"That makes various kinds of sense. I should probably ask now- are you the only one doing this, using your.. servants like this?" I doubt he is, but I have to ask.

"Of course not. And the more I think about it, the more I realize the effects. There's going to be a body count ten meters high if too many fuckups happen." They aren't nearly as flawless with word-watching as Howard is. "And there are almost certainly, so far, a dozen or two Illuminati who decided to acquire some normal.. friends in this manner. Really easy. The only reason more haven't done it is that by and large, we hate being near normals at all."

"Is this going to become common?", I asked. In a fraction of a second, I visualized all of society being like this. The Illuminati could and would set up a hierarchy with everyone except Howard- and some Levels who made sure they'd escape it- implanted servants. It'd go all the way down to the elementary schools (which would, of course, be heavily modified)- Tommy, that kid who once said he wanted to rule the world, would own Bobby (a black kid- this slavery transcends race), who owned Lee and Kimberly; Tommy'd also own Jill who owned Cindy and Tim, but he'd be owned himself by a local engineered. There wouldn't be any questions as to who sat at whose table for lunch...

"Well, we've basically just stuck our toe in the water as far as implant use is concerned. Some higher up guys, a lot of servants, but as for all the possible applications, we haven't come close. It's a huge field, just waiting for someone to describe a new way of use-" That hadn't been a command, and I had no intentions of telling Howard my visualization. "or better yet, an emotional add-on with universal compatibility." Holy crap- that'll mean he can-

"Emotional- will you-", I started. It would be a very slight addition, he'd put it somewhere on my brain, and then I'd be happy whenever he wanted me to be. The part of my mind that strives for completeness felt a strange kind of fulfillment in that, some other parts felt a weird sort of relief ('hey, at least I won't be so angry over all of this, and it is Howie after all'), and the rest of me felt abject, unspeakable horror.

"No. Wouldn't work, wouldn't work, and I'm not even gonna try. When I said universal, I didn't mean engineered, and I didn't mean.. well, whatever the hell happened to you."

"You think I'm too screwed-up, don't you!", Paul said in a joking tone.

"Of course I do.", Howard replied, joking.

"Good, you're right." Paul's voice instantly changed again, from childish and casual to dark and serious. "But seriously, Howard. Even if it turns out I'm not so screwed up, please do not use that shit." He couldn't hide his complete terror, at least not from us.

"Why not? Wouldn't you like to walk around happy all the time?", Howard asked, smiling. Since his vocal inflections are the same as mine, I could tell that he wasn't serious by some very slight changes in his tone. Paul, on the other hand, was taking him quite seriously indeed. You're being a real asshole, Howard.

"Seriously, man!!", Paul shouted, obviously visualizing something his brain could barely handle.

"Bah. Between your constant feeling of low-level joy and your unquestioning love for me, I don't think you'll worry too much when it's all done. Don't worry, you'll still be able to think straight.. you'll just like me a whole lot more." Which is exactly how Howard would want it to work, too. Even if our engineered brains wouldn't freak at artificial emotional stimuli (which is what I see 'not work' as meaning), he wouldn't dare use this on me or Sarah, it might hurt our battle efficiency- but I could easily envision him using this on Paul. Don't interfere with his thoughts, that would be pointlessly mean- just Pavlov him with artificial pleasure, and he'll become a much better friend. To Howard, using something like that would be second nature.

"Howard.. please, man, I like you enough already, don't use that crap, you don't know.. what.." Every single word was inflected with pure, utter terror. His facial skin was pulled back, showing his teeth in a distorted death-mask grimace. Howard hasn't given me any commands not to, but I'm not going to interfere with this. I'm going to let Paul know just how much of an asshole Howard can be.

Sarah obviously didn't share that view. "He's fucking with you, Paul.", she said, offhand.

"You're sure?" Sarah and I both nodded at him.

"You're an ASSHOLE, Howard!", he shouted, surprised and relieved. Sky is blue, sun is yellow...

"Since you can't read my mind, I'm not going to command you to not tell me things I already know." And that, as they say, ended that.